Emotional Abuse is like Carbon Monoxide poisoning…silent but deadly.

There is no real outward signs, no warning, but one day you realize, you no longer have any power.  You are trapped in this terrible relationship. Your thoughts don’t matter.  What you want doesn’t matter.  You merely exist.  You’re as good as dead. 

It begins slowly.  A look. A tone. An attitude. But over time everything changes. The phone calls that were sweet at first become annoying.  The man whom I thought was caring became this drill sergeant who frightened me into whatever he wanted.

Quietly to ourselves we think we are strong people.  But now I can see how weak we can be at times. 

What is it you really want?  For most of us we can’t answer that question.  We’re so busy thinking about someone else that we haven't taken the time to look at ourselves and discover what we really want.  All those internal struggles we have, we can answer.  We know what we really want.  If we follow our heart, we will know what to do.

Everything that you do has to be half good for you and half good for others.  There needs to be a balance.  If you try and take care of others and leave yourself out, that’s where you’ll be most of the time…..out.

We were taught to feel guilty about being true to ourselves first.  In reality, no one has the spiritual right to make us feel guilty about anything.  If someone tries to make you feel guilty, who are they thinking of?  Themselves, of course.  They really don’t have your best interest at heart.  They don’t know us any better than we know ourselves.  The problem is we don’t take time to get to know ourselves. 

Most of us were raised to believe that we could make someone sad by being mean to him or her.  Or we could make them happy by being nice or doing something special for them.  I didn’t want to be mean, so I choose the route of making people happy.  Religion even helped me believe that it was good.

So it isn’t a surprise when I married and believed that no matter what, I could make it work because all I had to do was make him happy.  If he was happy our marriage was good.  I believed I had the power to make him happy.  Actually I (we) have no power at all to make someone happy. 

The only power we have is the power over ourselves.  You can’t control what they do or say.  You can’t control anything about them.  All you can do is control your reaction to them.  There are some people out there that no matter what you do for them it is never enough.  They are angry and bitter at the world.  And no “nice nice” on our part is going to change that.  Get over it.  Be kind, be respectful, but don’t let them keep you from being happy.

God didn’t put you here to be controlled by someone else.  You don’t have to talk anyone into loving you or being with you.  Stop bending over backwards to make them happy.  It’s not your responsibility.  If they don’t like it – let them go – God will bring better friends across your path. 

Did you ever feel like your walking on eggshells in some relationships?  That you always weigh what you’re going to say or do with them for fear they won’t like it?

I lived like that for 10 years.  He was such an angry man and the littlest thing could set him off.  His anger in my mind was so bad I did everything I could to keep him happy.  I’d try and keep the kids quiet so he could nap in the living room.  I’d have to be home right after work at the exact time every night or he would get upset.  I wanted to keep the peace at all costs.

I was so afraid of him it was pathetic.  It was pathetic because he really gave me no reason to be afraid. All he had was his loud voice and threatening tone.  He bullied everyone including me.  And that’s all he was – a bully.

Once we’ve begun the recovery process and truly see that we are worthy, you will gegin to question all new relationships in a much different way than ever before.  You should ask yourself: Is this relationship good for me?  Does it enable me to grow into all I am capable of being?  Does he encourage growth in me? 

It should be easy to compare the new relationship with the old one, but watch out.  He may appear to be different, he may appear to be the perfect man and say all the right things, but appearances are often wrong.  Don’t listen to his words. Watch what he does.  Do they contradict each other?  Watch him. Test him.  Don’t be afraid of him.  You have the power now.  And don’t settle for just a step up.

Ask yourself does he encourage me to grow?  Is he secure with himself?  In my new relationship I have found the One for me.  He encourages me in self-growth by lovingly asking me the tough questions.  He helps me look at who I am.  He accepts me just as I am.  He encourages me to go out with friends and gives me my freedom to choose.  Although we may still disagree on subjects he’s willing to hear my side and not immediately shut me off by telling me I am stupid for believing or thinking that way.  He supports me emotionally and spiritually not just physically.  I’ve never experienced this combination before.

 I have discovered the healthy relationship is about challenging each other to grow as much as we can.  And it is my job as much as it is his.